Monday, 28 March 2011

Layers of sensitivity...

We have had a lovely, busy weekend spending most of the time out of Huddersfield.
I say busy, Saturday was spent with family, sat around eating cake and chatting. Literally for hours. Fee has posted some gorgeous pictures of Mabel enjoying her 'Easter tree'

Then on Sunday we drove to Nottingham to celebrate Jessica's baptism with our good friends Phil and Claire. Again far too much cake was eaten. By me mostly.

On the way to Nottingham we passed a field full of very new lambs. Beautiful tiny lambs prancing around their mums with their tails waggling in the sunshine. I seriously went on about these lambs for about 10 minutes, moved by the sight as if seeing for the first time in my life (G Kisby responded by saying, "Mmmmm rack of lamb", sensitivity apparently doesn't stretch to fatherhood)

I'm not sure how this happened that I am suddenly so easily moved. I think back to a visit to see Blood Brothers at the Manchester Opera House a few years ago. As the curtain went down and lights went on I turned to see G Kisby wiping a tear. As I started to ridicule him he rightly noted, "What have you got a heart of stone, everyone is crying except you". He was right. I had to fake some emotion so as not to appear an ice queen.

But since having Mabel I appear to have peeled back a few layers of sensitivity. I can no longer bear to watch a 'Save the Children' advert on TV, Comic Relief sent me over the edge and
I often think that I love her so much that it actually hurts.

I found myself saying to G Kisby, "When she is a bit older I think it will be easier since I'll worry about her less, you know because she will be a bit sturdier". It didn't take me long to realise this will never be true. After newborn fragility will eventually come teenage angst and so the torrent of emotions will continue. I think I knew this before having a baby but I'm not sure you can be prepared for it.

And bizarrely I wouldn't swap it for the world, it is still completely worth it.
I am well aware this may sound pathetic and a little dull (a year ago I would have literally been raising my eyes to these sorts of comments and perhaps even have muttered something under my breath along the lines of 'loser'). Perhaps the novelty of the situation wears of (does it?) and in another year or so I will look back and regret writing with such sentimentality but I guess that's the joy of keeping a diary. It records your feelings in the moment (admittedly not always publicly).

And it is true.

Completely and utterly life changing!

1 comment:

  1. true dat...
    the 'heart of stone' story always makes me laugh.
    for the record, even thinking about blood brothers now makes me wanna cry!
    The sensitivity wears off a little.....thank goodness! Although I actually said the words 'I just don't like him at the moment' today about #1 son....and then felt wretched for even thinking it, never mind saying it outloud.
    Speak soon (loser)
    fee x


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