Sunday, 26 June 2011

What's hidden in your loft?

You'll never guess what was in ours...no really!
As you may have read, we recently had our bathroom re-fitted by our builder friend Neale.
Whilst he was up in the loft doing the electrics he came across some very interesting magazines. We're talking a range of, largely gay, pretty full on, porn (don't really want these labels attached to my blog) from the early 1990's (G Kisby reckons it was more 1980's, not sure how he could tell, maybe from the mullet or was that the semi naked man in the hay stack was wearing a 'Frankie Says Relax' t-shirt?)

Anyway, so Neale told us there was a massive stash up there (previous couple who owned the house got divorced...hmm) and I decided in my wisdom they weren't the sort of thing you want lying in your paper bin so we would destroy them at a later date.

Neale also told us that the electrics were way dodgy up there so this week we had an electrican come to price up doing the job.

And here comes my downfall.

As I was preparing a cup of tea for said electrcian it suddenly dawned on me. Oh my God the electrian is going to uncover the large stash of 'magazines' (seriously if you are reading this because you searched for the word pxxn you arer in the wrong place). What the hell am I going to do. Do I take a chance that he might not find it (thereby running the risk that we look like a couple of strange vintage pxxn collectors) or go and explain myself (looking even more guilty in the process).

In my panic I made the split decision to spit it out,
"Er Mark" I shouted up to the loft
"You might come across something up there which I need to tell you about..." (alarm bells no doubt ringing in his ears - "get out, get out now")
"I think there are some slightly dodgy magazines up there, but they're not ours, they were here before we bought the house, you can tell by the age of them, I've not even been up there, I've been pregnant..." I babbled on, completely aware that I was sounding more guilty by the second (why does that happen?)

Luckily he had a sense of humour and came back down smiling (or maybe it was the very large chested ladies he'd come across...there's something for everyone in our loft..apparently!)

We then went into the bedroom (to check the plugs you realise, this post is becoming worse by the second) and I caught him discretely taking a look at the Agent Provocateur pictures on our bedroom wall (we were aiming for 'hotel boudoir chic', we don't just like Kate Moss, that would indeed be odd.) And yes I did question the decision to put these on our wall every time I waddled into the room pregnant.
I thought it was just that Miss Moss had caught his eye in her underwear but when telling Fee she questioned this,
"He probably thought it was you in a former life...he was probably thinking, "my God, she has let herself go, when did she become so dowdy?"

Dowdy? Dowdy? That word came out a little too quickly for my liking and is way harsh (though to be fair I'd take that if anyone thought I ever looked like Kate Moss. Ever.)

Oooooh no. He thinks we are secret pxxn users who even put pictures up of ourselves on our bedroom wall.

Dam it...he was lovely and it is so hard to find a good electrician nowadays.

Though I guess we might actually find we receive a very reasonable quote?!?

4 comments:

  1. Ha ha ha!! Laughed out loud. I started sniggering at the thought of you blurting out to the electrician about the mag stash.... in those situations the more you try to explain the more guilty you feel you sound. Ha ha, making myself laugh imagining it. I actually laughed out loud at Fee using the word 'dowdy'. You can rely on sisters to say what they think - mine says stuff like that all the time! ha ha! Oh, I needed a laugh today, I've got a colony of bees in my chimney and it's getting me down. Nicki xx

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  2. love it! (frequently wonder why anyone would put up some pictures of a perfect looking super model for OH to look at!)
    Did you do a bag check on that electrician as he left?
    Didn't mean 'dowdy' it slipped out! but maybe a little rouge here and there....!
    fee x
    (love you)

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  3. Hahaha!! You've made me think now- we are living in rented at the mo, and our attic is locked - there is no key and we've never been able to get up there... but every couple of months we get some very questionable catalogues in the post addressed to the man who used to live here before us... maybe he also had a secret stash in the loft!!! (by the way it shows how much I worry about things - I am always paranoid that when we leave this place, the new owners, on receiving said catalogues will think they were ours!! Oh the shame...) x

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  4. Ha ha! The first flat Mr N and I ever lived in together had a regular supply of 'brown envelopes' addressed to the previous occupant, we didn't open them after we'd checked the first one! (I'm such a prude...)
    Dowdy - that's such a brilliant word. I also really like 'frump' (why does that make me smile?)
    Emily x

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