The final (milk) straw...

So I have finished my breasfeeding completely now and realised that I didn't do my final diary entry on the experience. So here goes...

I actually didn't have to make the decision to stop the final night feed, Mabel made it for me. I think she was just enjoying the full fat, faster flowing version too much. One night I offered her a boob and she looked at me like I was crazy. Like a serious, 'what, THE HELL, is that?' look - hmmm, way to thank a girl who has let you use her boobs as milk cartons for the past 7 months. It was actually really strange. I tried to encourage her to take a swig (thinking it might stop the blockages) but she didn't seem to know what to do (though she clearly did - she has drama queen tendancies).

I was really lucky not to have any more mastitis or need to do much more expressing. In fact the end was much less painful than I'd expected. Job done. Boobs returned (I say 'boobs', they have been returned way smaller than prior to getting pregnant, I wonder if it is a lack of contraceptive pill...?)

The only thing I'd say is that considering all the advice at the start, things dried up on both counts by the end. And I actually do think I could have done with knowing a little more about how to stop and the process of reducing milk down when weaning. 
I hadn't realised that by now she only needs a pint a day (we've just spent weeks getting her on to formula and working out what the hell we do with sterilising etc). In hindsight I might have given it to her in a cup with meals rather than even introduce day bottle feeds.

But we can't complain, she loves her food (doesn't refuse anything) and doesn't seem to have even noticed that we dropped one milk feed this week.

And I actually don't feel too sad in the end to have finished. It is lovely to have my boobs back and it has returned a load of freedom. I'm happy that I managed to do it for 7 months and will definitely try to do it again if we have more children. Only very occasionally, like the other day in M&S cafe when a lady was breastfeeding, do I feel a twinge of, erm, I'm not sure what really. Nostalgia? Sadness? Bizaarely perhaps I felt the need to say, "I did breastfeed, I have just finished" - hmmm a sudden insight into the feelings of those unable to breastfeed perhaps...? Or perhaps it is more to reassure, "Don't you worry about being discreet, you just crack on". I didn't have anyone make negative comments when I breastfed in public but you just don't seem to see it that often which did, particularly by the end when she wriggled, make me feel a bit consipcuous. I won't miss that! 

So all thats left for me to do is find a good push up bra!

Fruit from the, er, 'garden'...

We have been LOVING the sunshine this weekend. After a lazy Saturday we got outside bright and early this morning to tackle our garden.

The wilderness was cut back but not before we got some pictures of Mabel practically lost in the grass...

I picked our first basket of plump juicy gooseberries (we have purple and green ones)

And a quick trip to Habitat (huge closing down sale, don't mind if I do) resulted in a number of unnecessary purchases. Felt the need to photograph the evening sunshine pouring into our front room tonight. I absoutely love when you get that early evening, warm golden light. I think early morning and evening are my favourite times of day!

Mabel also had her first solids this weekend in the form of baby porridge. I was trying to get a photo but realised I was being far from helpful and hugely distracting (besides which to be honest it wasn't pretty). She has been constantly hungry this last week so we decided it was time. First attempt went fairly well, then we tried again today and already her mouth was wide open waiting for the next spoon load...shes probably thinking, "Thank God, I have been watching you two eat for ages now while I have been stuck on lukewarm milk..."

Ah not long till I can reclaim my boobs then!

Breastfeeding update!

Clearing out an old writing pad today I found my feeding log from when Mabel was first born. It really made me smile / shudder to remember how she was feeding every 2 hours for pretty much 24 hours a day.
The thought of my poor nipples during those early feeds still literally makes my toes curl. I fully remember stating to my Mum that there would NEVER be a time when it didn't hurt or that Mabel just attached herself no problem.

But of course, she was right, that time came. I can't remember when I stopped having to 'latch' her on and although we have had odd very minor problems with blockages / supply, in the main I have been really lucky. Now the only issue I have is keeping her feeding when there is anything remotely interesting (in her opinion) going on in the room.

We are starting to think about weaning our hungry little munchkin now and I have to say that when we do I will feel sad that it will be the start of the end for my feeding days. I will hopefully keep her bedtime feed for some time to come but I have a feeling that once she has the option of some decent food, milk might be of less interest. Who'd have thought it, I genuinely thought I'd be counting the days till I could drink again (o.k so I have drank but I mean properly), have back a bit more freedom and reclaim my boobs (lets hope I want to reclaim them after all they've been through). But no. I think I will miss the convenience and the closeness.

I thought it worth noting for any future children when no doubt I will have forgotten (I definitely won't take for granted that they will feed as easily as Mabel) or anyone else going through those difficult first few weeks, that it does get better and your nipples do recover. I'm very grateful that I've been able to do it...

And for this smile, I'd go through it all the harder times again anyway!

(pictures credited to Fee who has become quite the photographer and whose Spain pictures are so much better than mine! http://chippernelly.blogspot.com/2011/06/holiday-blues.html)

Baby signing fun...

Mabel and I have been attending baby signing classes and it is great fun.

Apparently babies can sign from as early as 5 months and it is good for helping with toddler frustration when trying to communicate. I love the idea that prior to being able to talk she will be able to sign.

Our NCT friend Amanda leads the Tinytalk classes (http://www.tinytalk.co.uk/amandaru/) and if I could now just remember to keep doing the signs then we'd be away. The classes use songs to introduce the signs so Mabel loves it and it's also really nice to meet other parents over a coffee at the end.

A particular favourite sign is that for breastmilk, basically the hand gesture for milking a cow next to your boob. How apt. I have decided not to do it next to my boob, I really don't need any more attention drawn to my puppies in public.

It is becoming ever more trixy to breastfeed discretely when out at the moment since Mabel is far too interested in what is going on and so easily distracted.

At times I've had to give up on my trusty breastfeeding scarf (www.mamascarf.co.uk/) since she just fights with it and ends up in a huge tangle and she has started a new habit of throwing her head back and spitting out a nipple, with the intention of checking out the waitress. Good o, just what you want, at the exact moment you require some discretion you have a full boob, nipple dripping with milk, just hanging right out there. 

I'll be sure to record when she does her first sign...hopefully soon!

'I've not fed Mabel'!!!

Ever since Mabel has been born I've had a pretty regular / almost nightly wake up, which annoyingly is not to feed her.

No...it's to try and find her!

When I get up to feed in the night our routine is for me to bring her into our bed, prop myself up, gulp a pint of water and read my book whilst she guzzles away, often without even opening her eyes.

However, almost without fail at some other point in the night, I will wake with a jolt thinking that I am breastfeeding and that she is still in the bed. This results in one of two things;
a) I frantically search around the pillows, under the covers, arms wailing everywhere
b) I randomly pat (try to pick up?) G Kisby's head thinking it is Mabel. No idea why it is his head.

I'm thinking you don't really want to wake up to someone attacking your head. Luckily G Kisby is often so sleepy, or perhaps so used to this random event, that he simply turns over and tries to escape from the crazy.

I have even woken up once, half sat up, cradling a pillow. Luckily I didn't have my boob out, that would have been too weird. Oh God what if I try to feed G Kisby's head?!?

I'm guessing it might be pretty common when you feed in bed during the night (or that's what I'm telling myself) and is clearly a subconscious fear of falling asleep feeding her.

This morning it moved to a new level. When G Kisby woke with his alarm I sat bolt upright and shouted with panic, "I've not fed Mabel".

The noise obviously woke me up and my brain caught up with my mouth.
I'd been up at 3am...there's no forgetting that!

A couple more 'firsts'

So this weekend Mabel had a couple more 'firsts' to add to her list - her first wedding and first sleep away from home.

On Friday we travelled down to Newbury for our friends Phil and Emily's wedding, which was really lovely. Is there anything nicer than spending a day in the sunshine at a gorgeous manor house in the countryside, sharing in one of the happiest days of a friend's life?

For her night away we decided to invest in a NScessity travel cot which is fab.

It is a travel cot (with blackout), sun tent (with UV) and play tent all in one. Really light (so will go in our luggage for Spain) and goes up in seconds.

She is a little small for it right now but it will do till she is 4 so we felt it was worth the investment - she seemed to like it!

For the wedding itself someone had forgotten to mention to her about being quiet in church and a sharp exit was required but considering she didn't sleep all day and there was loads going on she actually did really well. I, on the other hand, made a serious error of judgement.

I mentioned previously about forcing my boobs into a dress which was now 4 sizes too small at the top. Well, it turned out to be a really bad idea.

I managed to find a necklace which hung handily over my ridiculously 'on show' cleavage and when I tried it first thing it was fine and seemed to help matters. But I hadn't thought about the very real need for breast pads nor for the fact that they would just kept growing.
With all the extra stimulation recently from our very hungry baby by the time we went to leave the hotel they were absolutely massive. And not only that, the right one was way bigger than the left and had started to eat said necklace.

So just to add a little extra challenge to my day, I had both my boobs and my baby to try and control. I also completely underestimated how difficult it would now be to get said knockers out of my very revealing dress. Easy you would think? Not so due to the severe tightness so we had to find very discreet places for me to breastfeed. 9 times I fed Mabel to try and keep them in but try as I might I watched helpless as my boobs took over and rose towards my chin. The extra feeds just seemed to aggrevate them further!

G Kisby was put on boob watch (not that he could miss them, nor could anyone else - I kept noticing people struggling to focus on my face). I knew they were bad when I whispered to him over the meal (necklace off by this point, somehow Mabel could find it in the bosom and kept trying to strangle me with it), "are they getting worse, can you see a nipple?" and he glanced down and had to supress a laugh before replying, "er no babe, they're fine". Harsh.

As we left the venue at 7ish to take our tired baby home and I walked towards the car I heard a snap. Yep the dress gave up and the right boob just popped right out there. Thank goodness we weren't staying for the evening entertainment or I'd have been providing some entertainment of my own!

A baby shield to hide the knockers...

And talking of firsts, the first night in her own bed was absolutely fine and she seemed to sleep as least as well as she did in her moses basket (that is, still getting up about every 3 hours). Not sure the same could be said for G Kisby with the level that I insisted on having the monitor on next to the bed, both doors open and me saying, "was that her?" roughly once every few hours, but hey ho.

The milk drought...

Mabel has become ridiculously hungry!

She is keeping roughly to the same feed routines but is now eating for about 40 minutes until I literally feel I have nothing left to give.

This is becoming particularly true in the evening and for her last feed where it literally becomes boob roulette. Last night we got to the point where she really was getting fed up (demonstrated by her seeing how far she can pull my nipple away from my body - always an enjoyable game I find) and refusing to go down in her basket.

I tried giving her some expressed milk in a bottle but she was having none of that either. Now, it transpires that some time later (after her slightly stressed mum literally threw her into G Kisby's arms the moment he walked in from football) that she did need a big poo and after doing so appeared more settled. However, the milk drought is causing me some concern, not least because she doesn't like taking a bottle from the owner of the milk bar.She was also up every 2 hours again in the night - argh!

I have researched whether you can suddenly have low supply and the general consensus is that a good diet, lots of fluids and plenty of sleep should mean your body adjusts to demand. Only sometimes I really don't feel like it does. On a positive apparently if Mabel has suddenly started wanting more it shouldn't take much more than 24 hours for my body to react and start to produce it...hmmm we'll see. It is extremely frustrating to feel your body isn't working as it should. I'm not against trying a formula bottle in the evenings but according to some websites this can make supply even worse and I'd like to keep breastfeeding as long as possible. We'll see how the next few nights go.

There are some, apparently safe, herbal remedies that are mentioned, notably Fenugreek, which I shall purchase tomorrow.

In the meantime I am enjoying using the excuse to eat more cake (there's got to be some benefits to chewed nipples surely?) and forcing myself to drink lots and lots of water. Come on boobs, get filling!

First night alone with some breastfeeding debate!

G Kisby is out with work tonight so I am home alone (he is getting the train home 'later', whatever that might mean. Last time he practically ended up back in Manchester due to a 'falling asleep' incident on said train and that was before a baby so we'll see). Nothing new on the evening front but a bedtime alone is a new experience.

I am currently doing that thing where I am in bed and convinced that I can hear someone downstairs. Obviously I will now have to remain in bed (regardless of any need for nappy changes or toilet trips). Yes I am well aware that the dishwasher makes the same noises every night but once you've even considered the alternative every single minute sound becomes exaggerated. Keeping myself busy by writing a blog post.

I am also hiding from my newborn. That's right, she has started to stir and to try and keep her asleep I am sat in the dark with the laptop under the covers. What on earth has my life become?

Tonight I watched the BBC3 programme that was on recently re breastfeeding:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b010fq6q
It made good viewing. It was filmed by someone who struggled to do it and showed a number of real-life situations both good and bad. I think the overall message was to say that it isn't easy and you shouldn't feel guilty if you do turn to formula. I agree with both points and actually therefore feel pretty proud of myself for managing to keep it up. Apparently only 7% of babies are still being exclusively breastfed at 4 months old, that's a pretty depressing figure and suggests we are really getting something wrong in this country (these figures are very low compared to other countries breastfeeding rates).

Unsurprisingly I do have an opinion on how things could be better:
1. Support, although available from health professionals, needs to be there earlier and for longer. Once you have poor attachment and bleeding nipples you are already on a slippery slope (particularly if this means you have a hungry baby). Although I hated having to stay in hospital I do think I benefitted greatly from the extra time to practise breastfeeding before leaving.

2. There are still issues around 'celebrity' endorsement and whether it is seen as the 'done thing' (particularly with teenage pregnancies). I just don't see that many women breastfeeding when out, not sure if this is because there aren't many or that women don't feel comfortable doing it in public. Either way the more 'normal' it is to see, the less conscious you'd feel doing it.

3. And lastly an acceptance that it isn't right for everyone, it doesn't always work and pushing it to do so actually creates worse PR than supporting a move to formula when necessary.
Acknowledgement that it can be tough and peer support would both be useful (in a bid to promote at all costs the challenges can be downplayed which can set you up for a bit of a fall and you may be less likely to ask for help?)

Aside from the huge benefits, knowing how much I have also enjoyed breastfeeding Mabel I'd be really up for offering support to other women (particularly first timers) to help it work (or lessening the guilt if it doesn't). I'm not sure how, or maybe it is something for any future but the programme certainly got me thinking...

Healthy breastfeeding?

We went for a fast walk yesterday, the first real bit of exercise (by real I mean that a shower was required following) that I've done since having Mabel. It did take slightly longer than I expected to feel ready to get going on this again, I could have no doubt started earlier but I do think your body needs a bit of time to recover so up until now have been sticking to the leisurely walk.

Whilst striding around the peaceful local countryside we are lucky to have, I contemplated how healthy in general I am currently. All through my pregnancy I made a huge effort to eat well and managed to do so I think. However, since then things have gone slightly astray.

I voiced this thought to G Kisby last night whilst tucking into a particularly dense farm shop chocolate brownie with a cup of tea;
"I think we should think about giving something up, you know kind of like for lent"
"Ahhh man, I've already given loads up recently" came the reply.
I only had to glance his way with my well rehearsed frown for him to back track on that comment.
"Like what? Didn't lent start last week?" he revised

Can't believe we are even late for lent, is there anything we are organised enough to do on time?

"Well, for a start I think I will give up eating cereal everyday for my lunch" I replied
"Babe, I think lent is quite a serious religious undertaking, cereal denial doesn't quite cut it. Please don't blog that you are giving up cereal for lent..."

So I'm not. Instead, after some discussion, I came up with a new plan, one which doesn't involve
lent or cereal. The main issue appears to be that we have got stuck in a cooking rut, which for 2 people with such a love of food is disappointing but I imagine quite common. We probably have a handful of default meals (prawn pasta, roasted veg pittas etc) which we seem to eat most weeks.  We are too busy, or forgetful to look up new recipes so stick to what we know, which although very tasty is unadventurous, often not that cheap (since doesn't make the most of seasonal or cheaper meats etc) and probably not always that nutritious.

So for 40 days (disclaimer: this has no links to lent) we are going to commit to cooking something different every evening. And we are committing to ensuring that every meal is nutritious and well balanced since Mabel is still 100% dependant on what I eat so it is as important to be healthy now as it was for the last 9 months!

The plan starts on Sunday and I'll blog our menu (we have already done the shopping for this week and it is prawn pasta tonight)...

'Mucky Mabel'

On Saturday we had our NCT reunion where all the couples met up with their babies for a celebratory lunch. It was very strange to have so many babies in one room but a really lovely idea and we had a very pleasant afternoon eating cake and drinking sparkling wine. Mabel was on good form and stayed awake pretty much the whole time (seemingly the only newborn to do so, think there was far too much going on to sleep). However, if there was one moment not to play ball it would be the group photo. All babies lined up in age order on the sofa - lovely. Suddenly very much wishing she was peacefully sleeping like most of the others were (prior to her screaming down their ears and attacking them with her flailing arms that is). She threw a proper tantrum about having her picture taken, we had pouting, frowning, wriggling then full blown red in the face screaming. I put it down to one of two things:
1. We had just had to change her baby grow for a 'backup' option we had in the change bag due to a nappy leakage and said new outfit was not a good colour on her. I'm pretty sure she knew it (I was just pleased to know it was a nappy leakage since she was on my knee and I suddenly realised I had very wet leggings, for a moment was cursing not doing those pelvic flaw exercises)
2. She was happily sat with me then suddenly dumped on a sofa being stared at by a load of parents like she was some sort of doll. Think she was probably thinking, "wo there, who are these fools looking at me and why the hell can I see another 5 versions of myself" - a confusing thought one must admit. 

Anyway it is safe to say we ruined the photo, pretty sure we'll be photoshopped out. I told her this...she wasn't bothered. See below, it is not very clear admittedly:

Then on Saturday night we had Amy and Matt over for dinner. G Kisby cooked up a treat of fish broth with mussels and chorizo, followed by pancakes with banana, toffee sauce and ice cream. Amy also brought a very special book which she had sourced second hand from the internet. Apparently a favourite of hers when she was little. She then had the pleasure of reading Mabel her first story, "Mucky Mabel".

It was an interesting tale, clearly from the 80's, including the word 'gristle' - Mabel seemed to enjoy it and we very much appreciated the thought.

Yesterday morning I awoke at 5am with a very wet top coming from a large and extremely hard and painful right boob. I couldn't get comfy to get back to sleep and so lay awake willing our baby to wake up and save me from what I could only imagine (things always feel worse in the night I find) was a boob literally about to explode. I seem to have developed a fault with my right boob in that it is producing just too much milk (maybe I should become a donor?)
Anyway after lying awake for about 20 mins I realised I could be waiting some time (how ridiculously frustrating) so had to go down and express some milk. Sat in the lounge, in semi darkness, watching bbc 24hr news and milking myself - another very surreal moment to add to the bank. Made worse by the fact that suddenly G Kisby turns up to announce that Mabel has since woken up and was screaming (he said he wasn't alarmed to see me gone when he woke up but I do wonder) - typical.
When I eventually got back into bed I was shivering and cold. I literally could not get warm despite having layers on and being under the duvet. I also felt really achy and despite the draining my boob still feels really sore. So I think I may have mastitis, apparently the symptoms can come on quite quickly but luckily there are self help measures. The NHS direct website http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/mastitis/Pages/Introduction.aspx is very good. I am also going to go to the 'milk cafe' (yes that is really its name) which is a drop in centre on a Monday run by midwives to support women breastfeeding.
For once I am willing Mabel to be very hungry and want regular feeds...